日本語の「音」を学んでいます【00】

日本語の「音」を学んでいます

Learning the “sounds” of Japanese Language

學習著日語的「音」

【00】出発点（しゅっぱつてん）・Starting Point・出發點

☆

這不是學術研究，只是一個學生覺得有趣，然後決定在課下探索和思考，然後分享的內容。

This is not an academic study, it’s just what a student finds interesting and decides to explore further outside of class and share it.

這個 BLOG 的日語學習「系列」的主要文章都是寫語法和詞彙的。

The main “series” of posts on this blog about learning Japanese Language are about Grammar and Vocabulary.

所以這是寫關於日語的音的番外系列。

So this is a side collection of posts related to sounds of Japanese

我會以自己的步調慢慢學習和整理（語法和詞彙還是現階段最主要的學習點）。

I will take my own time to learn more and write along the way (grammar and vocabulary are still the main learning points for now).

說到「音」，其實包括了「語音學」、「音韻學」、「發音」和其他我還不知到的概念。

By “sounds”, it actually comprises of “phonetics”, “phonology”, “pronunciation” and other concepts I have no idea yet.

意味深遠的詞彙。

Big terms with deep meanings.

其實我也搞不清這些「術語」到底有什麼關聯，又有什麼不同。
Actually I am not clear what these “terminologies” have in common and how are they different.

在混亂的世界裡，繼續摸索中。
Still navigating in this confusing world.

所以這只是一個探索任何能和日語的「音」聯繫上的內容，以我自己的腳步而定。

So this is just an exploration of anything that can be related to “sounds” of Japanese, at my own pace.

很抽象喔？

Very abstract hor?

☆

一些宣言（作為讀者的你或許想要參考，如果你決定看我用自己的邏輯來解釋的內容的話）：

Some statements (which as a reader, you might want to consider should you read what I will attempt to make sense with my sense):

我最常使用的語言是中文（更精準一點的話是現代漢語普通話的「變體」）。

The main language I use is Chinese Language (to be specific, a “variant” of Modern Standard Mandarin).

現在是公元二〇一五年。

Now it is the year 2015CE.

我覺得自己英文能力自中學/初中就沒什麼進步。

I feel that my command of English has not improved much since secondary school.

也用英文寫這個學習記錄系列是一個讓自己練習用英文思考和組織句子，因為我查覺到自己的英文在退步（不然我就用單語寫了）。

Writing this learning-record series also in English is a way I found for myself to practice thinking and forming sentences in English, because I realised that my English is deteriorating (If not I will end up just writing monolingual).

內容雖然可能經過翻譯，不過大部分都是我寫的（所以如果中英文的意思有差，那就是我的語言表達能力導致的）。

Even though the content might be translated, most will be written by me (so if there are differences in the meaning expressed in Chinese and English, it is caused by an error in my language abilities).

我指的日語是現代日語（1945年後使用的），除非另外註明，指的都是東京腔。

The Japanese Language I refer to is modern Japanese (used from 1945 onwards), Tokyo accent unless otherwise stated.

至於我使用的英文和中文，我不知道那是什麼，哈哈哈…
As for the English and Chinese I use, I don't know what it is, hahaha…


☆

為什麼用中文、英文和日語？

WHY WRITE IN ENGLISH, CHINESE AND JAPANESE？

因為我（覺得我）「會」用這些語言。

Because I (think I) “know” how to use these languages.

你無法用一個你完全不懂的語言來思考和寫作，對不對？

You can’t think and write in a language you don’t know at all, right?

我也在用自己來測試：
I am also testing out on myself:

1）記錄如何以兩個不同的語言表達同個意思。
Recording how the expression of same meaning is done in two different languages.

＊由一個照理來說是雙語使用者的人 ——> 但很可惜這不是事實，因為我的其中一個語言比另一個強。
＊By a person who is supposedly bilingual ——> this is sadly, not very true as one of my language is stronger than the other.

＊只是剛好兩個我習得的語言是世上使用的主要語言的兩種。
＊It just happens that the two language I acquired are two of the main languages used in the world today.

＊至於和「語言」息息相關的「文化鑑賞能力」，我覺得我沒有多少。
＊As for “Culture appreciation ability” which is closely linked to “language”, I don’t think I have much.

2）比較雙語表達和翻譯。
Contrast expression in two languages and translation.

＊我指的「雙語表達」是同一個人（大致上是這樣，因為會參考辭典什麼的）用兩種語言寫同樣的內容。

＊By “expression in two languages”, I mean the writing is done by the same person, more or less due to use of dictionary and stuff.

＊我指的「翻譯」是指在將用某個語言表達概念轉換成另一個語言時，涉及多過一個人。

＊By “translation”, I mean it involves more than one person in the process of converting the ideas from one language into another language.

＊我無法保證雙語的意思一模一樣，因為兩種語言的邏輯不一樣。

＊I cannot guarantee that the meaning of two languages is the same, because the two languages have different logic. 

＊現代中文語法和現代英文語法很不一樣，又有點相似，我想試試能不能知道兩者怎麼個相似，然後可能問問為什麼。

＊Present-day English grammar and Present-day Chinese grammar are different yet somewhat similar, I want to try finding out how and maybe why. 

＊「翻譯」涉及很多東西，至於我的解讀是什麼，我現在有所保留。

＊“Translation” involves many things, as for my interpretation, I shall reserve it for now.

3）觀察自己的中文表達會不會被日語較自由的語法影響。

Observe whether my expression in Chinese Language will be affected by the relatively less strict Japanese Language grammer.

＊我覺得中文用法被日文用法影響了。

＊I think Chinese usage has been influenced by Japanese usage.

雖然現在可能會花很多時間在寫，但我相信總有一天會找到用處的的。

Even though it is consuming too much of my time now, I believe I will find it useful some day.

或許很快就會覺得有用了。

Maybe very soon.

我也不知道我做這些「有」「沒有」意義。

I also don't know whether what I am doing “has” meaning “or not”.

有「人」覺得「有」就「有」吧。

If “some person” thinks there “is”, there “is”.

☆

一些作為重新學日語和修漢語的學生的自己覺得開始變得清楚和有趣的「語音」：

Some things about “phonetic sounds” I think are making some sense and are interesting for me as a re-learner of Japanese and also as a Chinese linguistic student:

1）日本語の「母音(ぼいん)」と「子音(しいん)」

日語的元音與輔音

Vowels and Consonants in Japanese Language

2）「子音(しいん)」と「清濁（せいだく）」
濁輔音、清輔音與半濁輔音
Voiced consonants, voiceless consonants and Semi-voiced consonants

3）鼻音(びおん)
鼻音（鼻輔音）
Nasal sound (nasal consonant)

4）長音(ちょうおん)
長音
Long vowels

5）促音(そくおん)
輔音延長

Gemination (consonant elongation)

6）「拍(はく)」と「音節(おんせつ)」
音拍與音節
Mora and syllable

7）子音：［ɾ］［ɺ］［ɸ］

通過學習國際音標察覺的：日語的 r/l 與 f/h
What I realised from learning IPA: r/l and f/h in Japanese

8）母音の「無声化(むせいか)」
元音 “i” 和 “u” 的消音

Devoicing of vowel “i” and “u”

9）アクセント
日語的重音
Pitch accent of Japanese

10）連濁(れんだく)

連濁現象

Rendaku (sequential voicing)

其他的會在我繼續學習的過程中慢慢浮現，我覺得。

More will surface as I continue learning, I think.

☆☆.｡.:*･ﾟ*:.｡.☆☆.｡.:*･ﾟ*:.｡.☆☆.｡.:*･ﾟ*:.｡.☆☆.｡.:*･ﾟ*:.｡.☆☆

「我這麼做的邏輯」，如果有「邏輯」可言的話。

“MY RATIONALE FOR DOING THIS”, if it is even “rational” at all.

「只要將其中順利完成的例子大肆公布就行了，這在科學領域里算是常識喔。 」—— 湯川学 《伽利略的苦惱 - 墜落》 

“You only have to report the successful case of all experiments conducted, this is a common sense in the Scientific field.” —— Yukawa Manabu《Galileo no Kunou - ochiru》 

（I translated this into English from Chinese, which was translated from Japanese. So I cannot promise that I conveyed the original idea well enough after double-translation.）

我完全受這「常識/理所當然」困擾。

I am totally suffering because of this “common-sense”.

我看到的只是「結果」，但我無法說服自己就這樣接受這個結果。

What I see is just the “end-result”, and I cannot convince myself to take it for granted.

就今年，「突然」我就發現有必要重新理解很多詞才有辦法開始瞭解那些看起來很「自然」的事。

Just this year, “out of the sudden” I realise there is a need to re-understand many terms in order to start to make sense of things that seems so “natural”.

（這「突然」的背後有很多交疊的原因。）

(There are a complex of reasons leading to this “out of the sudden”.)

什麼是「常識/理所當然」？

What is “common-sense”? 

去問社會學家，社會學家會給你介紹一個非常棒的建構，叫做「社會建構主義」。

Go ask sociologists, they will introduce you this wonderful construction called “Social Constructionism”.

我的認知都垮了咯。

My sense broke down liao lor.

「社會建構主義」能建構和銷毀。

“Social Constructionism” can make and break.

我在為自己尋找「意義」，所以其他人可能不覺得「有意義」。

I am “making sense” for myself, so it might not make sense for others.

（其實是其他人覺得是「意義」，我不一定覺得是「意義」。）

(Actually, it is what “makes sense” for others, I might not find it “making sense”.)

如果是這樣的話，繼續尋找其他了解這世界的方式吧。

If this is so, continue to make other ways to make sense of the things in this world.

祝好運。

All the best.

☆

在自學「撞牆」後，我重新從基本開始學習。

I started learning Japanese from the basics again, after my self-learning “crashed into the wall”.

我自學的基本功不是很好，那是我在重學的時候發覺的。
My basics from self-learning were not very good, that’s what I realised from the re-learning process.

但是自學並不是白費的。

But the self-learning process was not wasted.

自學成了學習後面的內容的背景，而後面的內容能幫助理解前面的基礎內容。
The self-learning served as a background of later content, which can help make some sense of earlier  basic content.

（有這種感受嗎？學了更「艱深」的內容，回頭看以前學了但不太明白的內容，會恍然大悟。）
(Do you have this kind of experience? After learning “deeper” content, you look back at what you learnt but did not understand fully, and you have new findings.)

剛開始的時候，我對日語的「高低口音」沒有很清楚的理解，只知道能「區分意義」。

This Japanese “pitch-accent” thing don’t really make sense to me when I first knew about it, I only know it can "differentiate meanings”.

（那「意義」又是什麼？（作用、價值、內容））
(But what are “meanings”? (Significance, purpose, content))

我過分注重寫和讀日語（因為那是我想有能力做到，現在也是），而不是語音本身。

I overfocus on writing and reading of Japanese (because that is what I aim to achieve, even now) and not the sounds itself.

我一直都懷疑自己是不是「音癡」。

I was always wondering if I am “tone-deaf”.

但我的情況不算音癡，因為我分得出不同（如果差別夠大的話），我只是不知道「為什麼不同」和「怎麼會不同」。
But for my case it is not tone-deaf, because I can tell there is a difference (if it is big enough), I just don’t know “why is it different” and “how it can be different”.

（這就是不學物理的困擾之一。）

(This is one problem caused by not learning Physics.)

之前學了好幾年的樂器，但我從來都無法用聽的區分 “do-re-mi-fa-so-la-si-do”（如果你能分出來的話，你就有「絕對音感」）。

I could never tell “do-re-mi-fa-so-la-si-do” apart just by hearing for many years when I was learning how to play instruments (If you can tell, you have “absolute pitch”).

語音聲調的研究似乎源自音樂的概念⋯

Research in Linguistic tones seems to have its roots to music...

原來實際操作音樂（不是理論）的能力對於解答自己多年來抱著的問題是有幫助的。

It turns out that that practical music knowledge (not theoretical knowledge) served some help in answering my own question for years.

不過終於明白時，已經是多年後，我也忘了很多東西。
But when I finally realised that, it is already years after, and I forgot a lot of things.

難怪會強調什麼「全能發展」，理科、文科、社會學科、音樂、美術、體育什麼都要學。
No wonder there is an emphasis on “all-rounded development”, where you have to study sciences, humanities, social sciences, music, art, sports and so on.

沒有人告訴我為什麼要學那麼多東西，現在我終於明白了。
Nobody told me why I have to study so many things, now I finally understood.

痛い。

雖然不會比較不會忘記，但真的好痛苦。

Even though I won't forget easily, but it is really painful.

知識雖然分成了不同領域，但其實都是相通的。
Although knowledge is divided into different fields, they are actually linked.

世間萬物都是有所連接的，不明所以（？）。
Everything in this world is linked, somehow (?).

現在發現不遲，但讓我好痛苦。
To realise that now is not too late, but it is making me very painful.

☆


語言（一種「溝通」方式）是先有語音才有文字。
Sound system come before writing system in a language (form of “communication”).

「語言」是什麼？
What is “language”?

你以為你知道，但或許其實，你不知道。
You think you know, maybe actually, you don’t know.

這是我最近的感覺。
This is what I am feeling recently.

語音、語意、語用、文字、文化、歷史、社會、…
Phonetic sounds, Semantics, Pragmatics, Language use, Words, Culture, History, Society, …

（為什麼這些詞那麼「chim」？——>「chim」 源自閩南語的「Cin-oeh（深奧）」）
(Why all the “chim” words? ——> “chim” comes from “Cin-oeh”, which means “deep” in Min'nan Dialect）

記錄。溝通。意義。
Recording. Communicating. Meanings.

能分開討論嗎？
Can all these be discussed in isolation?

好複雜。
So complex.

我在用「語言」幹什麼啊？
What I am doing with “language”?


☆

我沒有「準確」的發音，但是我發現了解發音對了解語用是非常有幫助的。

I don’t have “proper” pronunciation, but I realised it is really useful to understand pronunciation as some concepts involved along with it are relevant to language use.

了解語音，就能嘗試解釋為什麼「發音會怪怪」的了。
If you understand phonetics, you can begin to explain why some people have “weird accent”.

（所有人都有口音，如果你對口音的定義比較「微觀」 ——> 定義對於解讀是有決定性的）
(Everyone has an accent, if you define accent in a more “micro” way ——> Definitions matters in interpretations)

或者為什麼你好像無法像日本人那樣準確地說日語。
Or why you can not seem to pronounce the way Japanese speak Japanese.

但是，只有在你熟悉的語言，你才會在意「口音」差別吧？
But only for the language you are familiar would you be conscious about “accent”, no?

因為不懂的話，管他什麼「口音」，壓根就聽不懂，能知道是什麼語言就很好了。
Because if you don’t know, why care about “accent”, you don’t even understand, if you can tell what language it is that will already be good.

我想，對於你知道的事和你不知道的事，這也是一樣的。
I guess it works the same way for things you know and things you don’t know.



我覺得不「標準/完美」也無所謂…
It does not matter if you are not “perfect/standard”, I think…

「標準」到底是什麼，有多少人能實現呢？

What is the “Standard”, how many people can realise it?

（「標準」是人說的，而人不是完美的。）

(“Standards” are what humans say, and humans are not perfect.)

每個人都是獨特的，或許我們該追求的是相近，而不是「相同」。

Every individual is different/unique, maybe we should be aiming to be similar, not “the same”.

（「本質」不可能「一樣」啊。仔細想想「相同」的意思和我們怎麼把「相同」當作「相似」的同義詞來用。文字的問題，啊。）

(The “essence” cannot be “the same”. Think carefully about the meaning of “same” and how we are using it as synonym of “similar”. Problem with words, ah.)

如果你的生活需要「近乎完美」，就去練習和實現。

If your life requires “near perfect pronunciation”, practice and realise it.

在能溝通和交流的範圍內努力，「不完美」是能被「包容」的。

Working hard to be able to communicate and exchange, “imperfectness” can be “forgiven”.

雖然又要涉及一大堆複雜的東西。

Even though it will drag in a lot of complicated stuff.

文化，社會語言學，標籤，糾紛……

Culture, sociolinguistics, labelling, conflict, blah blah blah……

唉…

Haiz…

哎呀，能溝通就好liao啦。

Aiyah, can communicate can liao la.

人與人之間，最大的問題並不是在語言上不能溝通，而是在思想上南轅北轍。 —— 《衛斯理 - 賣命》 

The biggest problem between people is not the mismatch in language, but rather to be poles apart in terms of thinking. —— 《Wisely - Mai’ming (Selling Life)》

☆

更「開始」的「契機」其實是我在日語課的經歷。

The more “starting” “reason/catalyst” is actually my experience in Japanese lesson.

有些同學會把英文讀音詞套用在日語詞彙上：

Some of my classmates will use English readings of Japanese words:

アニメ —— えにめ（英文念法 English reading）

ビール —— beer（英文念法 English reading）

很有趣的是：還是能溝通和理解彼此想說的啊。

An interesting point is: We can still communicate and understand what others have to say.

因為我們都有用「英文」。
Because we all use “English”.

（雖然聯繫「心」的程度不太一樣。可能只有我很在意？）

(Even though the level of connection to the “heart” is different. Or maybe I am taking it too much to heart?)

只是，覺得很「奇妙」。

Just that, I think it is very “fascinating”.

更有趣的是：日語老師的教學方式和同學們的反應。

Something more interesting is: How Nihongo sensei teach and how we as students react.

老師不是直接糾正（也沒人直接說「不對！是XXX」），而是以「ああ、XXXですね。」婉轉地糾正。

Sensei will not rectify directly (and no one will shout out “No! It’s XXX”), sensei correct indirectly with:「ああ、XXXですね。」

（這會讓教學更有效嗎？）

(Does this make teaching more effective?)

或許這也和「日本文化」有關。

Maybe this is also something related to “Japanese culture”.

那我自己呢？會糾正人嗎？

What about myself? Do I correct others?

（這要看要糾正的是什麼，在這裡，我只指語言的使用。）

(It depends on what is the target of correction, I shall only refer to language use here.)

我很討厭嘗試「糾正」別人的自己。

I really hate myself for wanting to try to “correct” people.

以自己不是「標準」的標準去衡量其他人的標準。

Using your own un“standard” standard to measure other’s standards...

「最低 (さいてい)」

最近我一直在想，「標準」的意義何在。

Recently, I have been thinking what is the meaning of “Standards”.

不是說沒有「意義」，只是到底是什麼？

Not to say it has no “meanings”, but what is it exactly?

☆


只要「標準」一改，這一切都沒意義了。

Once “standards ” changes, all related content has to be changed.

勞民傷財。

Waste energy, waste money.

還是不要「變」，這樣就好？

Better to not “change”, just stay as it is?

可能吧。

Maybe.

不知道。

IDK.

所以人才會一錯再錯?

So people keep repeating the same mistakes?

「錯誤」會無止境地傳下去，直到有人做什麼。

The “wrong things” will be passed on indefinitely until someone do something to it.

到底我該怎樣才好？

So what can I do.

不知道。

IDK.

☆

不要忘記自己理解的過程。

I don’t want to forget my own process of understanding.

其實，我覺得我在重新發現我是怎麼學習的，為了我自己。
In fact, I think I am re-discovering how I learn, for myself.

我沒有能理解一切的背景知識。

We don’t have enough background knowledge to understand everything.

有太多（假設你知道的）假設。

There are so much assumptions (that you know).

人不會一直在同一個等級上的（我覺得很少會）。

People are not always on the same level (they rarely are, I think).

我想盡量假設讀者（如果有的話）不知道，因為我一開始學習時也不知道。

I want to try to assume readers (if any) don’t know, because I don’t know when I first started learning.

我試試看。

I try try.

只要我還在繼續學日語和寫這系列，我就會建上去。

As long as I continue to learn Japanese and write this series, I will continue to build on.

或許這不會是解釋日語（主要是東京腔）的語音系統的最學術或者科學的方式，但至少是個能讓學習不那麼混亂，而且又有點有趣的「普通人」的方式。

Perhaps not the most academic way or scientific way to explain the sound system of Japanese Language (at least for Tokyo accent), but enough to keep things less confusing and somewhat interesting in the “lay-man” way.

就算要繞遠路，也無所謂。
Even if it means that I have to go by the longer way, I’m fine with it.


☆

「研究學者所具備的資質就是，單純。不受外界影響，有一個不染上任何色彩的純白心靈，這才是學者需要的。這個條件看似簡單，其實很困難。因為所謂的研究，其實只是一連串從基礎慢慢堆疊石塊的作業，認真的研究學者朝向目標，將基礎堆得更高。當然，對於自己累積的成果也深具信心，相信絕對不會錯。但有時候，這也成了致命傷。例如，最初放的那塊石頭是最理想的位置嗎？甚至開始思考，說不定那塊根本不是石頭！然而，出現這一類疑惑時，又很難說服自己將先前堆砌的基礎全部毀掉，因為難免會受到以往成就的束縛。想要永保單純是很辛苦的呀。」 —— 友永幸正 《伽利略的苦惱 - 操控》 

“An important quality of a research-scholar is: having a pure-heart. To have a pure heart which is not coloured (biased) is what researchers need. This quality may look simple, but is actually hard to achieve. Because by research, it actually means a series of work involving the piling up of stone blocks; A conscientious researcher will work towards one’s goal, to build higher up upon the base. Of course, one is confident in their own accumulated result, and believe that they will not be wrong. But this may turn out to be an Achilles’ heel. Let’s say for example, is the first stone block placed in the most ideal position? Maybe one will start thinking, perhaps that block is not even a stone! However, when this sort of uncertainty arises, it is hard to convince oneself to destroy all the stone blocks laid down previously, because one will be restricted by past achievements. To remain pure-hearted is really hard.” —— Tomonaga Yukimasa《Galileo no Kunou - ayatsuru》 

（I translated this into English from Chinese, which was translated from Japanese. So I cannot promise that I conveyed the original idea well enough after double-translation.）

（就是這麼回事。）

(That’s all about it.)

☆☆.｡.:*･ﾟ*:.｡.☆☆.｡.:*･ﾟ*:.｡.☆☆.｡.:*･ﾟ*:.｡.☆☆.｡.:*･ﾟ*:.｡.☆☆

對我來說，更重要的「盲點」是：語言是先有語音才有文字。

The biggest “blind-spot” for me is: Sound system come before writing system in a language.

我很依賴書寫的語言（這其中有著我「隱瞞」的個人複雜的問題）。

I rely a lot on written language (due to complex personal reasons, which I am “hiding”).

來到這個節骨眼，我無法不開始思考日語的發音。

It became inevitable at this point of time, for me to think about the pronunciation of Japanese Language.

其實不只是我在學習的日語，還有我使用和覺得我懂的語言。

Actually not just Japanese Language, which I am learning, but also the languages I use and think I know it.

那些很「理所當然」的東西，對我來說很「不理所當然」。

Things that are very “common-sensical”, is “not very common-sense” to me.

我想我開始知道為什麼了。

I think I am starting to know why now.

「理所當然」是被強加在人身上的東西，也可能只是人們沒有去質疑而已。

“Common-sense” is imposed on people, or perhaps it is just that people don't question it.

或者說人們不敢質疑。

Or people are afraid to question.

為什麼？

Why?

因為會擾亂「平衡」…

Because it disrupts “equilibrium”…

因為「大人」叫你不要問這麼多。

Because “big people” order you to not ask so much.

或許我們想要「秩序」。

Perhaps we want “order”.

但這「秩序」是「真實」的嗎？

But is this “order” “REAL”？

什麼才是「真實」？

What is “REAL”?

其實，我也不知道。

Actually, I also don’t know.

或許無法用火消滅的才是「真實」。

Maybe what cannot be destroyed by fire is “REAL”.

（怖い？）

☆

上日語課上了快一年，我開始問很多關於「自己」的問題。

Attending Japanese Language lessons for almost a year, I started to ask a lot of questions about “myself”.

語言學習其實是帶著被語言承載的文化與思想影響的「副作用」。

Language learning actually comes with the “side-effect” of getting influenced by the culture and thinking the language encompass.

或許通過學習另一個語言或文化，你可能會更了解「自己」，同時也會失去「自己」的什麼。

Maybe by learning another language or culture, you might learn more about “yourself” and at the same time lose something about “yourself”.

（不知道這個人在說什麼。）

(Don’t know what this person is saying.)

但為什麼是「日本」「文化」？

But why “Japanese” “culture”?

為什麼學習「日本」？

Why learn “Japan”?

因為我遇到了日語和日本文學。

Because I met Japanese Language and Japanese Literature.

那背後有很多原因，那是我自己的「歷史」。

There are many contributing reasons, that is my own “history”.

我看過的，我聽過的，我感受過的，簡單來說就是：「我體驗過的」。

What I saw, What I heard, What I feel, or simply to say: “What I experienced”.

其實，我成長時，日本並不是完全「夢幻般的」。

Actually, as I grew up, Japan is not all “dream land like”.

那和我出生於的土地的歷史息息相關。

That is closely related to the history of this land I was born in.

雖然有些人很討厭「日本鬼子」（很多「華人群體」都有這麼個說法吧），但現在的生活中我們使用的東西，都是這個怪怪的「日本」發明的。

Although some people really hate the “Japs”（I cannot find a suitable way to translate what I hear, so I expressed it in English derogatory terms), but a lot of things we use are invented by this strange “Japan”.

日本滲透這裡的生活，諷刺（？）的。

Japan permeates life here, ironically (?).

我看得到「好」、「不那麼好」、「壞」…

I can see “the good”, “the not-so good”, “the bad”…

日本文學（和漫畫）是個奇景，即使我只看到了部分而已。

Japanese Literature (and Manga) is an interesting scene, even though I only seen a small part of it.

「病態」常被日本和日本外討論。

The “sicknesses” are quite openly discussed by Japan and outside Japan.

所以我才會說，很「矛盾」。

So that’s why I say it is very “contradicting”.

我很好奇自己為何會保持中立，不然就是傾向了解「日本」。

I wonder how I remained neutral, if not leaning towards being interested in “Japan”.

人很容易感情用事，可以理解這點，這也很重要，但我覺得嘗試思考自己情緒以外的因素也很有用。

People are easily swayed by emotions, it is understandable and important, but I think trying to think about factors beyond our own emotions is also useful.

什麼意思？

What do I mean? 

就是那個「站在別人的立場想」。

It’s that “think in others shoes”.

雖然很難，但我覺得好受很多。

It is hard, but I think it made me feel a lot better.

「恨」很累，雖然我還是恨一些一直「折磨」我的東西。

“Hatred” is tiring, even though I still hate some things that has been “torturing” me.

但是我想重新想想然後面對它，慢慢地，一天天地。

But, I want to rethink it and face it, slowly, day-by-day.

「日本」很酷，但也不是那麼美好。

“Japan” is cool, but not that all rosy.

但為什麼我會被吸引？

But nonetheless, why was I attracted to it?

其實現在我也不怎麼讀其他文化的文學（以前也沒什麼讀），所以我可能會錯失很多東西。

Actually I don't really read literature of other cultures now (in the past too), so I might be missing out a lot of things.

「時機」不對？

The “timing” is not right?

或許吧。

Maybe.

但是，少也能成多。

But, less can be more.

能看得到「美」與「不美」很有趣，我覺得。

To be able to see the “nice” and “not-nice” is really interesting, I think.

「矛盾」。

“Contradictory”.

我也是。

Me too.

我想尋找那個答案，一個「我」的答案。

I want to find out that answer, an answer of “I”.

如果不持續尋找「我」，感覺自己什麼（廣義的）也做不了。

If I don’t continuously find “I”, it feels like I can’t do anything (in the wider sense).

為什麼會選擇「語言」來「尋找自己」。

Why I choose “language” as a means to “find myself”.

「語言」作為一個語音，文字符號，意義，文化系統，包含著很多東西。

“Language” as a system of sound, script, meanings, culture encompasses many things.

我覺得理解「語言」的話，能幫助我理解其他「知識」。

I think by understanding “language”, it can help me understand other “knowledge”.

（雖然有什麼意義，我也不知道。）

(Although what the meaning is, I also don’t know.)

數學和科學符號也是一個「語言系統」。

Mathematical and scientific symbols are also “language systems” in their own sense.

但我選擇了「語言」。

But I chose “Language”.

作為一個「回答自己」的切入點，「語言」就是適合我，我相信是這樣的。

As a entry point to “answer myself”, I think language is for me, I believe so.

「自己的思想」不只是自己的思想那麼單純。

“My own thoughts” are not simplistically my own thoughts.

「看不見的力量」在背後運作。

“Unseen forces” are acting behind.

社會、基因、神明、人性…（看你接受什麼理論。）

Society, DNA, God(s), Human nature… (Depends on which explanation you accept.)

「身份」危機。

“Identity” crisis.

我正在嘗試解答，但不一定會有「答案」。

I am trying to answer now, but I may not find the “answer”.

這是我的「動力」。

This is my “fuel”.

好累的「動力」。

Such a tiring “fuel”.

☆

語言是很「非物質」的。

Language is something “immaterial”.

我的「想法」好像漸漸變得很「宗教」和「哲學」？

My “thinking” is slowly going very “religious” and “philosophical”?

但真的分不開。

But all these really cannot be separated.

我覺得自己是個悖論。

I think I am a paradox.

想逃的話快點，因為我逃不掉了。

Leave while you can, because I can’t escape anymore.

☆

與其說我想為「人類文明」做出貢獻，我覺得我現在所做的事是非常個人的。

Rather than contributing to “Human civilisation”, I think what I am doing now is very personal.

出發點和「邏輯」不一樣。

The starting point and “rationale” are different.

這是一個「我」的「推理」。

This is a「推理（すいり）」of “I”.

我也不知道這「推理」什麼時候才會完成，可能永遠都不會完成吧。

I don’t know when will this「推理（すいり）」will be completed, maybe it will never be completed.

「推理小説」的「結束」，不在闔上書的那一刻。

The “end” of「推理小説」is not when you close the book.

我反而覺得，一切在你闔上書的那一刻才開始。

Instead, I think everything starts when you close the book.

自己必須解答的，或許是自己的人生。

The thing one needs to solve, perhaps is one’s own life.

☆

（完）